it is a tough row to hoe.

in my heart of hearts, i long for a companion who is growing with me... stand up, god dammit.  get out of bed and rub the crust of years of illusion from your eyes.  wake up and stand next to me.

my teacher's interpretation of my hawk dream.

i am sitting on a foundation of my emotions, with an intimate known aspect of my inner self, surrounding my foundation of my emotion is an area that is abundant and good for me, and i see way to enter this. looking up i see two unknown aspects of my more radical self jump to my highest perspective in my mind. One of me is dressed to dissect the 'meat' of my issue and it requires a detached objective mind, the other part of me is where I grow and this part of me jumps down to a lower perspective that's closer to my understanding of my issue.

A spirit messenger of my nature self swoops down and lands in my thoughts with the nourishment I need and I dig into the meat of my issue and I look right at me. Then i look into my emotion and find a huge way to enter my feelings to cut into what is blocked. I am rusty at doing this, so i turn it over, and a very murky rendition of "the gathering of my higher self's actions in this world" is on the opposing side.

I look at my ability to cut through this situation and it looks more like a doorway... i have the ability to open this door but it's painful (knife). After seeing the higher aspects of myself as an image rather than action, i decide i shouldn't do it cut through my emotions, and I loose balance when I do this. 

My intimate inner self holds on to my actions in this world (r leg) to prevent me from going all the way into emotions, but my thoughts are submerged and I am watching the ability to cut through my emotional issue as it sinks deeper and deeper towards the bottom of the emotional issue. i can see everything under my emotions, it's extremely clear. part of me wants to sink into my emotion, but part of me is hanging on to my intimate self who is holding me up. it's like i'm pulled between the two.

and this is all i want. in a nutshell.

...maybe not from the sources you have poured yours....maybe not from the directions you are staring at...

this is me in my marriage in a nutshell.

...i'm a tree that grows hearts...one for each that you take...

this is me at work in a nutshell.

there is definitely definitely definitely no logic.....

red-tailed hawk has been hanging out lately....

 i dream i am sitting on a dock with my sister. surrounding the dock is an area that is a farmer's market, and i see the loading docks for all the stands at the market. looking up i see two skinheads jump on the roof of a warehouse, one is dressed in a butcher's apron and has no hair, the other has long bangs and jumps down to a lower roof that's closer to me. a red-tailed hawk swoops down and lands on the ledge of the roof with prey in its talons, it starts tearing up a piece of meat and looks right at me. then i look into the water and find a huge butcher knife. it's rusty. i turn it over, and a very murky rendition of "the last supper"(the painting) is on the other side. i look at the handle and it's made of wrought iron, it looks more like a doorknob...it's like holding a door knob, but the door is the blade. after seeing the painting, i decide i have to put it back in the water, and almost fall in when i do. my sister is grasping onto my right leg to prevent me from going all the way into the water, but my head is submerged and i'm watching the knife sink deeper and deeper towards the bottom of the ocean. i can see everything under the water, it's extremely clear. part of me wants to sink into the water, but part of me is attached to my sisters hand holding me up. it's like i'm pulled between the two. end of dreaming.

what the fuck.

i am just going to assume that the dream i had about you injecting heroin into your veins was a result of all the nyquil.

last night's dream

i was on stage, performing a burlesque act.  impromptu.  i wasn't scheduled to perform, no one even knew who i was, i just took the stage and did it.

there is no comparison.

oftentimes, i find myself doing this awesome thing where i compare myself to my peers... primarily what it is about my peers that i find "successful."  


for instance, i do this shamanic apprenticeship, right?  there are 3 other apprentices that i know of, and one former apprentice who recently 'graduated'(or whatever it is that happens when this apprenticeship is complete).  


anyway, i struggle a lot with my apprenticeship in that i wrestle with a regular meditation practice, i don't do a very good job of keeping my dream journal updated(yeah hi, that was what this blog was created for originally - almost a year ago.)... among other things i can't seem to astral project anymore, i have a hard time being disciplined in general when it comes to spirituality.  i guess that's my moon in aquarius... and my south node in aquarius... aquarius being the "rebel"... acting up.  and here's where it gets fun.  i've got this leo ascendant that makes me really competitive...i deep down really want to be the shining star.   so i find myself comparing my progress and who i am in essence to the other apprentices and their power and their abilities... they're all so... good at it.  and i feel JEALOUS.  (another leo thing)


meanwhile, my inner aquarian rebel is pitching a fit and wanting to fuck the system and not do the practices, not be disciplined in my abstinence from sexdrugsrocknrollgofuckyourselfdiediedie.  i do NOT understand why it has to be such a mindfuck for me to stay solid in this practice when i want it so badly and am always comparing myself to the other girls and how "GOOD" they are and feeling lousy like i can't make the fucking bar.  the shamanic apprentice bar.  who the fuck set that bar anyway... me?  


then i am reminded, suddenly, when i look out the window of my apartment and i see the giant holes that are being dug up by laclede gas company all around the front of my building... oh yeah.  this is like, karma.


like...


BIG ASS UNDERWORLD HOLE IN THE GROUND KARMA COMING TO GETCHA.


my north node(where i'm going) is in leo... my south node(where i came from) is in aquarius.  until my aquarian south node is healed i will continue to be something of an anarchist.  even in regards to something i believe to be true and sacred.  that's that... drug addict rebel from my most recent past life giving me trouble... until i go on another soul retrieval to reintegrate with her.  (i'm guessing the last time i journeyed and saw her that i just wasn't ready to bring her back because it would have been too intense.)


meanwhile my leo north node is making my soul yearn to be strong, whole, healthy, warm, compassionate, creative, a LEADER...


at any rate, i have no idea why i bother comparing myself to the others when their respective journeys are entirely different from mine - only similar in the shamanic theme.  there's just... no comparison.  and i realize that.  but i still do it anyway.  GAH.

so it goes.

it is very cold today.

my car broke down on south grand after i ducked into the falafel shop for a quick snack on my way home from work.  triple a arrived after an hour of me waiting in my car, in the cold.  the very nice triple a mechanic jump started my car and told me to let it run for 45 minutes to recharge the battery.

i followed his instructions to a t.

i stopped my car after letting it idle in the parking lot of my apartment building for 45 minutes.

and i attempted to restart it.

nothing.

looks like i need a new battery.  and it couldn't possibly feel colder outside to me right now.  i thought i was recovering from some kind of shitty cold but now it's drained into my chest and my throat is scratchy, and i can't stop coughing.  WHY WHY WHY does this have to be happening right now.  i just want to go to bed.

i'm totally taking a fucking cab into work tomorrow.  fuck.

truth

"i have been and still am a seeker, but i have ceased to question stars and books.  i have begun to listen to the teachings my blood whispers to me.  my story is not a pleasant one;  it is neither sweet nor harmonious, as invented stories are;  it has the taste of nonsense and chaos, of madness and dreams - like the lives of all [wo]men who stop deceiving themselves."

-Herman Hesse

i'm in love...

social media revolution

http://socialnomics.net/2009/08/11/statistics-show-social-media-is-bigger-than-you-think/