i'm hopeless.

"Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one’s life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one’s side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps . . . perhaps . . . love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath."
— L.M. Montgomery (Anne of Avonlea)

9

"Vincent van Gogh cut off his ear. He wanted to send it to Marilyn Monroe, but he didn’t know how to go about it.
          He couldn’t afford to deliver it in person. They had no mutual friends. And were he to send it to her movie studio, a stout woman in a tweed suit would be certain to throw it away.
          Dare he trust it to Railway Express? To United Parcel Service? To Brink’s?
          Vincent van Gogh’s ear was his love. Unable to send it through normal channels, he went out into the wheat field and sent it by crow."

-Tom Robbins

"Extinguish my eyes, I'll go on seeing you.
Seal my ears, I'll go on hearing you.
And without feet I can make my way to you,
without a mouth I can swear your name.

Break off my arms, I'll take hold of you
with my heart as with a hand.
Stop my heart, and my brain will start to beat.
And if you consume my brain with fire,
I'll feel you burn in every drop of my blood."


-Rainer Maria Rilke

The Look

Strephon kissed me in the spring,
      Robin in the fall,
But Colin only looked at me
      And never kissed at all.

Strephon's kiss was lost in jest,
      Robin's lost in play,
But the kiss in Colin's eyes
      Haunts me night and day.

a nice bed time story.

love is fire.

and i am burning.
i hate feeling like this.
it's killing me.
i am crushed beneath the weight of my past, and i am engulfed in flames.  i just want to fly off!
god damn it, i do not want this!
how can i stop it?
i've let go of the story of you and me, and yet i still burn....

"Though I visit him
              Ceaselessly
              In my dreams,
            The sum of all those meetings
            Is less than a single waking glimpse."

-Ono no Kamachi

this is me.

i am going to throw up.

there is a giant ball of confusion in my entire being right now and it makes me want to throw up chunks of soul bits.  i am doing a side-step walk between two polarities in my heart and soul parts.  does.  not.  like.  does.  not.  want.  but simultaneously likes and wants so much it makes a giant swelling thing happen in me.  i am caught up in a whirlwind of strong feelings.  it has swept me up suddenly and with little mercy.  now my head is spinning and i am upside-down and forced to take a good hard look at myself on the inside and FUCK ME.  i do not like it.  i am going to keep telling myself that this exercise in non-attachment is the whole point of what i'm going through.  this.  is.  healthy.  this is what being healthy feels like.  awareness is a bitch.  now show yourself some god-damn compassion, woman.  because no amount of compassion from anyone else is going to make you stronger.

get out of the narrative.

he's only a mirror.

heartache, my old friend.

one would think that after years of heartache, that someone could perhaps become... accustomed to it.  like if heartache were a human, you'd just get used to them stopping by to small talk or ask for a cup of sugar.

not so, it seems.  it takes a different shape each time, always catching you by surprise, and lurking in areas you're not expecting to have a run-in.  sometimes it hides around the corner with a two by four, waiting to strike you over the head while you're walking down the street deep in thought.

and it's funny how it just makes you feel like an idiot when it happens.  like you should have been paying attention instead of staring up at those clouds and wondering wondering wondering, with your soul all full of meaning and smiles and butterflies and pretty eyes.

oh, and when it hits you, and you realize what happened... oh, it just puts a shakiness in you like none other.  it's so bittersweet, the shake.  it often comes from having such a beautiful feeling... and suddenly seeing the opposite side of the coin.

all is not as it seems, little girl.  don't be such a fool.

i have a rather great responsibility lying ahead of me this weekend, with the full moon, the lunar eclipse, the grand cross, the grand trine... i have to cut the cords from someone who needs my help.  cutting old cords from past lives for an old friend from thousands of years ago.

i've spent time looking up and wondering wondering wondering what it all means, the old friend... this is the eighth time we've met.  and it is the last, i've learned.  this is our last time.  today, heartache struck me with the thought that perhaps dissolving these cords is the meaning.  like all the wondering wondering wondering about what it is, and the heart-rending truth is that the meaning is: cut the cords.

is that what this is?  heartache has a funny way of whispering information into your soul and leaving you to mull it over in your paranoid state.

oh, it hurts, dear one.  the thought that by cutting the cords and freeing you from that well i saw your soul bound up in being the end.  oh, it hurts me.  it doesn't change the fact that i have to do it.  those old cords are making you sick in the soul.  i can't bear to see it.  i have to free you from it.

but... oh... it hurts so much.