heartache, my old friend.

one would think that after years of heartache, that someone could perhaps become... accustomed to it.  like if heartache were a human, you'd just get used to them stopping by to small talk or ask for a cup of sugar.

not so, it seems.  it takes a different shape each time, always catching you by surprise, and lurking in areas you're not expecting to have a run-in.  sometimes it hides around the corner with a two by four, waiting to strike you over the head while you're walking down the street deep in thought.

and it's funny how it just makes you feel like an idiot when it happens.  like you should have been paying attention instead of staring up at those clouds and wondering wondering wondering, with your soul all full of meaning and smiles and butterflies and pretty eyes.

oh, and when it hits you, and you realize what happened... oh, it just puts a shakiness in you like none other.  it's so bittersweet, the shake.  it often comes from having such a beautiful feeling... and suddenly seeing the opposite side of the coin.

all is not as it seems, little girl.  don't be such a fool.

i have a rather great responsibility lying ahead of me this weekend, with the full moon, the lunar eclipse, the grand cross, the grand trine... i have to cut the cords from someone who needs my help.  cutting old cords from past lives for an old friend from thousands of years ago.

i've spent time looking up and wondering wondering wondering what it all means, the old friend... this is the eighth time we've met.  and it is the last, i've learned.  this is our last time.  today, heartache struck me with the thought that perhaps dissolving these cords is the meaning.  like all the wondering wondering wondering about what it is, and the heart-rending truth is that the meaning is: cut the cords.

is that what this is?  heartache has a funny way of whispering information into your soul and leaving you to mull it over in your paranoid state.

oh, it hurts, dear one.  the thought that by cutting the cords and freeing you from that well i saw your soul bound up in being the end.  oh, it hurts me.  it doesn't change the fact that i have to do it.  those old cords are making you sick in the soul.  i can't bear to see it.  i have to free you from it.

but... oh... it hurts so much.