a gross one.

i am dreaming and i am at a weird camping retreat center that looks like it's in an underground catacomb of some sort. everything is extremely dirty and seems to be coverd in sewage. the wall and all of the fixtures are made of cement. i am there with my mom and my sister and we are sitting at a "table" that is also made of cement and is very dirty. a woman in medical scrubs is sitting with us and is wearing a stethiscope around her neck. she is also wearing an ID badge and i see that she has red sores on her face all around her mouth. i get up to go to the bathroom and it is EXTREMELY filthy with defecation smeared on the walls. i have to pee so i squat over the very dirty toilet, which has leftover piss and shit and toilet paper in it from previous visitors. as i am peeing, the toilet starts to talk in a female voice saying that it has reached the maximum fill level and starts to tip forward. i look down and i see that i am peeing all over the floor and the toilet is starting to spill out on the floor. i quickly evacuate and go back to the table. my old friend sprite is there now and i learn that the woman in the scrubs is actually her mother(although i have met sprite's mother before and this woman was not her). her and my mother start talking about something and i am distracted by sprite's presence. i don't feel good about her being there.

end of dream.

this reality is hard on dreamers.

what had been so clear at the time of my soul retrieval is now clouded with self-doubt. am i a healer? am i meant to be a witch-doctor in training? why am i not having dreams? why can i not give up my vices? why when i decide to give up my vices do things suddenly turn to almost complete shit? why does this drive me to drink? why do i want to be numb?

the world is crumbling around me and to find beauty in this seems impossible.

how many times do i have to experience the beauty in pain before i get a reprieve from the torture and the chaos.

i am so tired. he is so tired. the world beats our backs and we are on our knees, begging for relief.

we are all the same.

"Listen to the reeds as they sway apart;Hear them speak of lost friends.At birth, you were cut from your bed,Crying and grasping in separation.Everyone listens, knowing your song.You yearn for others who know your name, And the words to your lament.We are all the same, all the same, Longing to find our way back;Back to the one, back to the only one."

remember

i am dreamwalking in my apartment and i walk to the back door. i see a piece of paper has been taped to the window and the silohouette of someone on the other side. i can't tell who it is but i think it is my landlord. i feel a sense of fear and wake up.

animal totems

as i close my eyes to sleep i see a black horizon. a hill and some trees. a bright light is just below the horizon but everything is very dark, almost black. before me appears a beast. i first see it's ferocious mouth. as i focus on it's eyes and face i realize that it is shapeshifting from a wolf to a bear or a lion (i'm not sure which) and i recognize it as Spirit coming to me. i fall into slumber and the image fades.