i've always been a lone wolf....

now that i've been studying belly dance long enough to be considered a "good dancer", with one public performance under my belt, i've been asked by several different members of my class...

"so are you gonna join the troupe?"

or

"you're gonna dance with the group soon, right?"

and i always feel this sense of being backed into a corner as i quietly respond, "i don't know... i'm not sure yet... i don't know if i'm ready."

why this makes me so nervous has nothing to do with my confidence as a performer. what i am concerned about is getting mixed up in the politics involved with being a part of a troupe.

over the weekend, i attended a large holiday hafla event... troupes and soloists from all over st. louis came and performed in what is advertised as a "supportive" atmosphere. however, mingling by myself in with the crowd i noticed the opposite side of this coin. there is so much cattiness in the bellydance scene, i can hardly believe it. dancers are "stealing" other dancers moves, troupes are "dancing off" of songs other troupes commonly perform to... there seems to be a lot of back stabbing, a lot of shit-talking... i don't see how this is actually supportive.

this troubled me deeply. why do women feel the need to compete against each other? it's just another sad example of what patriarchal society has done to women. women are supposed to be naturally supportive, nuturing, and creative. but the rat race has oppressed this in us. women are forced to compete in the workplace, pressured to be the sexiest, skinniest, smartest we can possibly be.

how is this healthy?

long ago, women used bellydance for health and to learn about their sexuality. it is a beautiful, sensitive art. to see it turned into competition puts this masculine edge on something that is meant to be soft... seductive... graceful... accepting of a woman's body and emotions.

so i don't wanna get mixed up in a troupe. i don't want to be a part of the cattiness. i want to love myself when i dance, and love other women when they dance... i want to be friends with these women... i want to share this beautiful art with them in a nurturing and accepting way.

i'd rather stay the lone wolf i've always been, and be a soloist. the moon travels through the sky at night alone. i relate to the moon more than the constellations of stars.
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i've been mulling over what my dancer name should be.

last winter, after my first death dance ritual, i had a dream of giving birth to myself. around that time i was just starting out my shaman apprenticeship, and was just getting heavily into bellydance... so i felt like the dream was symbolic of this new creative, expressive, spiritual, dancing version of who i am. in the dream i saw myself in labor, and saw a baby emerge... babies in dreams are ALWAYS symbolic of new ideas, and because it was me and my husband alone in the room it was about myself and the most intimate and commited aspects of myself in the outer world and inner world. i felt like it was very symbolic of where i was on my path at that time. i dreamt i named the baby lulabelle, and decided after sharing the dream with my shaman teacher that lulabelle would be my bellydance performance name. it translates roughly to "beautiful warrior"... and i like the ring of that. especially since i am more interested in tribal style bellydance.

in life i have always felt like the moon in the sky at night. silently hanging above it all, observing... yet at the same time, influencing, what is going on around me. so i've decided i'm going to end my dancer name with "le lune".

"lulabelle le lune"

i think that has a nice ring to it.