the red tide is in.

i can't say i have ever been so happy to see my own blood ever in my life.  i was beginning to have paranoid thoughts of a fetus growing in my womb...


that last night we had sex playing over and over again in my head, every word you said to me, rolling about, the look on your face, oh my god... was that the moment our first child was conceived? please say it isn't so...


thank heaven i was wrong.  the thought of conceiving life terrifies me.  i realize how selfish it may sound, but i am completely uninterested in bearing any fruit in the form of another human being.  there are so many reasons why i choose not to, but oh god... it's truly that i'm horrified by the thought of a creature developing inside of me.  a creature i would be responsible for birthing, raising, and eventually letting go of.  no.  i can't do that.  i have such a hard time just being responsible for myself... how could i possibly take care of a child?  an infant?!


when i was younger i fancied myself as barren.  i envisioned my womb as some sort of post-apocalyptic wasteland.  i still kind of do, but now that i am what people around me consider to be "child-bearing age," these paranoid thoughts creep into my head.  i so rarely have sex that when i do, if my cycle is even slightly off, thinking of the sort of luck i have, oh good mary, mother of god, the horror.  oh the horror.


i just let myself suffer through my menstrual pains all day today until i couldn't stand it anymore just to feel it. YES.  THIS IS WHAT NOT BEING PREGNANT FEELS LIKE.  AND I LOVE IT.

dance in my blood indeed, rumi... indeed.