unable to forgive...and we're sinking deeper

nights like this feel like dying.  i can't watch you be like this.  why do i keep watching.  what am i doing with you.  too afraid to leave.  too afraid to stay.  i'm stuck between the two.  it's like that dream i had with the knife sinking down to the bottom of the sea.  i'm reaching for the knife, but i'm letting it slip away.  i'm too afraid to sink down after it.  the water is clear, but i can't let go.  afraid to leave, afraid to stay.  i can't let go.

nights like this feel like dying.  how can i kiss a face i don't trust.  don't touch me.  i have no numbing agent of my own.  i feel everything.  fine.  go.  sleep.  sleep and sleep and sleep.  how can you sleep when i'm dying like this.   do we know each other?  i don't know if we do any more...  but i can't let go.

your mother called me a saint.  she says, "no take-backs."  i understand why now.  but i can't let go.  and it feels like dying.