one week later.

last thursday my husband and i separated.  he left, i stayed at the apartment.  it has been the week of the tower.  everything has come undone.  the sun has come and with its light everything that was hidden is now illuminated.  i have realized that i have been living in complete illusion.  it is almost unbearable, this transition.  but it is what i had to do.  i had the epiphany, it struck me... it's okay to end this.  for your sanity, and the health of your soul, you should do it.  and it's okay.

of course, the finger points in my face.  i'm a bitch, i'm cruel, i never loved him, i'm not even his friend.  but none of these things are true.  i hope the storm settles soon.  in the mean time, i am burning.  everything i have been in the past five years is burning away, and i am at the center of the fire, self-gestating.  waiting to emerge reborn. 

bondage.

please just kill me.

life REALLY has a way of pointing and laughing at me.  PLEASE.  just kill me.

i am being reminded now of how quickly something can turn sour and how utterly confusing it is to be a human being with deep feelings.

i am learning that averaging 3 hours a sleep a night for more than a week will lead one into uncomfortable fits of insecurity that lead to crying.

i am chopping up cucumbers for tiny sandwiches for a picnic in the park and crying.
my eye won't stop twitching.
please just kill me.
i don't want to be here anymore.

unable to forgive...and we're sinking deeper

nights like this feel like dying.  i can't watch you be like this.  why do i keep watching.  what am i doing with you.  too afraid to leave.  too afraid to stay.  i'm stuck between the two.  it's like that dream i had with the knife sinking down to the bottom of the sea.  i'm reaching for the knife, but i'm letting it slip away.  i'm too afraid to sink down after it.  the water is clear, but i can't let go.  afraid to leave, afraid to stay.  i can't let go.

nights like this feel like dying.  how can i kiss a face i don't trust.  don't touch me.  i have no numbing agent of my own.  i feel everything.  fine.  go.  sleep.  sleep and sleep and sleep.  how can you sleep when i'm dying like this.   do we know each other?  i don't know if we do any more...  but i can't let go.

your mother called me a saint.  she says, "no take-backs."  i understand why now.  but i can't let go.  and it feels like dying.

i am going crazy. i am sure of this. that is what is happening to me.

"when i am with you, we stay up all night.  when you're not here, i can't go to sleep.  praise god for those two insomnias!  and the difference between them."  -rumi

it was one of those types of days...

i spent 5 hours in the park with some good friends, and some of their friends.  i climbed a flowering tree, and chased bats after the sun went down.  i laid in the grass imagining that nothing else in the world existed but me and the ground and that tree above me.  it was an almost perfect afternoon.  certain elements were absent that may have made it more perfect.  but it was wonderful nonetheless.

how is this so.

the full moon was in the sign libra on monday.  i said to the moon, "i release my fear of being out of control."

after some discussion and deep thought, i rephrased it.  "i release control."

how can it be that such a slight change like that could terrify me so much?  i don't even think of myself as a control freak type of person.  and yet the idea of being out of control causes my heart to pump faster and my nerves to shiver.  but i said the words, and the moon listened.  now i wait for her wisdom, the sagacity that comes with the crone phase of the dark moon.

i should really focus on more meditation practice to help me through this.  i know a lot of my fears are a result of my relationship with him.  but, i have to let that go... somehow.  i can't be responsible for the choices he makes, as crazy as it makes me sometimes.  the moon influences the tides... she doesn't control them.  i need to be working on being more receptive and grounded.

yep, i'm a creeper.

every once in a while i skim the missed connections in craigslist.  the other personal ads on that site are almost entirely too foul for me, but i'll come across jewels in the missed connections that are perfectly ripe for my voyeuristic imagination to go running with.  i love wondering about these people and considering various scenarios.  i realize that makes me a creeper of sorts... but i've sat and watched and wondered about people for as long as i can remember.  it's really all very innocent daydreaming, i'm definitely not the sort to follow someone home and peep through their window, or climb up on their porch.   i can't help fantasizing about who these people are, what they do, what they smell like, where they were when the wrote what they wrote, what the room looked like, what time of day it was, whether or not they were sipping a coffee as they wrote it, what kind of shoes they're wearing, what books they might be reading, are they lovers, and on and on.

but there's a part of me that's actually a little afraid of this habit.  what if i became obsessed to the point of crossing boundaries?  i don't want to be that guy.