kinda can't stop fancying myself as a mermaid.

march the 24th, 2010

WHY.

i did not need this.  just, please stop....

 

a grueling five days.

i hate hospitals.  especially the i.c.u.  the sound of machines and the smell of human excrement, the stale air, the thoughts of those around me... lying in the beds or fidgeting nervously in the waiting room.  i feel as though i float among them, not tied down to the ground.  i stand by his grandmother's bedside, wondering if she is really about to die, or if she'll pull through.  her breathing is so labored, and she mumbles words i can't make out, her tongue is swollen, her lips are bleeding.  there are tubes everywhere.  my husband is crying, my mother-in-law is staring and saying occasionally, "i don't know."  i just stand by her bedside and stroke her hair.  it's all i can do.

three days like this, and now they've moved her to the hospice wing.  as though she were terminally ill.  and yet none of us know if she's about to die or not.  no one can say.  her breathing is still labored, she's still mumbling, but now she's trying to get out of bed, and trying to pull her i.v. out.  the nurses are frustrated with her, but she just wants to go home and have a scotch and a cigarette.  i know this because i know her thoughts.

really, i think she's decided not to die.  even though she told me she wants to.  i think she senses that her daughter and grandson are not prepared for this, and has decided to stay a while longer.  shocking, i know. she's 97 years old now.

i'm so drained.

meanwhile, someone at the office has been bringing germs into work with him, and between that and all the other germs i've been exposed to at the hospital, i'm getting sick again.  my left tonsil feels as though i've been stabbed.  i left work after 45 minutes this morning, having started feeling worse and worse the longer i was awake.  i started shaking.  i had to leave.  i struggled to keep upright and not faint behind the wheel the entire drive home.  i crawled back into bed and slept for 7 hours.  i've been awake for about 3 hours now and am almost ready to go lay back down again.  i can't stand it.  i'm exhausted.

god save the queen.

today.

ace of wands today

new beginnings in creativity, enthusiasm, adventure, courage, and personal power. i daresay this is an auspicious visitor for my new moon....happy.

an addendum.

i had a black bear visit me in my dreams last night.  bears are a symbol of power, and i have been feeling powerless.  so i am rephrasing my intention:

I AM CUTTING THROUGH MY ILLUSIONS OF BEING POWERLESS.

cutting through.

day and night medicine messengers have been visiting this week.  so i've been keeping aware, looking for clues for my pisces new moon work.

last nights dreaming was of knives.  i was being accused of melting down knives and using the steel for something else.  i was trying to hide a bundle of knives, i wrapped them up in a cloth and shoved them into a drawer as my accuser entered the room.

it makes sense that i would then draw the ace of swords today.  even stranger still that i would come across this particular card when reading up on ace of swords and what it represents.  a sword piercing a little crab.  me, being a cancer, the crab.  the synchronicity is just so blunt this time.

of course, i obviously have something i need to cut through.

since pisces rules illusion, along with dreaming, I AM CUTTING THROUGH MY ILLUSIONS on this new moon.

the king

in spite of the tremendous amounts of pain he has caused me, i love him still.  my king of cups.

i am lucky to have one who feels so deeply.  so many of the others were little more than jagged rocks underneath their skin.

i pray he remains in control.

this reality is not easy for a soul like his.

strike while the iron is hot.

today is a whirlwind, and of course i've drawn the eight of wands.
my dreaming last night was frantic.  chasing a man through a parking lot in the snow, while the police were chasing me.  i had some sort of message to give the man but he would not slow down enough for me to catch him.  my feet were sinking into the snow and i was slipping as i ran.  my voice was catching in my throat.  i feel like i was trying to tell him something about his children.  what it was i don't know.

i woke up late and in a frantic rush to leave for work... struggling to snap out of my dream state has been difficult this week.  the dark moon is moving into pisces new moon this weekend and of course this means we're going into the realm of neptune, king of the seas of the subconscious and emotional body.  for me this means the line between waking dream and nights dream will blur.  so of course i struggle to wake up.  rushing about attempting to resume daily life and looking at every object wondering...

"am i dreaming this?"

i shake my head in attempt to rattle myself awake.  really, that never works.  in fact, my entire drive into work this morning was a haze.  nothing seemed normal until had my morning coffee.

tomorrow i can sleep in, for that i am grateful.  it will be nice to ease myself awake, and have a full night of dreaming.

the moon is new on monday, so on sunday night i'll be going to the mounds at cahokia for a bit of meditation as the sun sets.  monk's mound is a beautiful spot for watching the sun, be it rising or setting.  i'll set my monthly intention at that time.  of course, since we're going into pisces, it will have to be some intention related to dreaming.  last year it was: "i am in the depths of my dreaming, remembering who i am"... i'm not sure what i'll set for my intention this year.  i have a couple days to figure it out.  i do hope the weather clears up, we're having lots of clouds and rain today.

speaking of dreaming, i'm off for a well-deserved nap.  this has been a long week.

one last thing, before i say goodnight:

never, oh never, nothing will die...

♥
sweet lullies.

clean

i just know that i like what is starting to 
show...sometimes.


he's getting there.

hermaphrodite chicken

this is just... awesome.  half male, half female anomalies in the animal kingdom.  i love it.

the red tide is in.

i can't say i have ever been so happy to see my own blood ever in my life.  i was beginning to have paranoid thoughts of a fetus growing in my womb...


that last night we had sex playing over and over again in my head, every word you said to me, rolling about, the look on your face, oh my god... was that the moment our first child was conceived? please say it isn't so...


thank heaven i was wrong.  the thought of conceiving life terrifies me.  i realize how selfish it may sound, but i am completely uninterested in bearing any fruit in the form of another human being.  there are so many reasons why i choose not to, but oh god... it's truly that i'm horrified by the thought of a creature developing inside of me.  a creature i would be responsible for birthing, raising, and eventually letting go of.  no.  i can't do that.  i have such a hard time just being responsible for myself... how could i possibly take care of a child?  an infant?!


when i was younger i fancied myself as barren.  i envisioned my womb as some sort of post-apocalyptic wasteland.  i still kind of do, but now that i am what people around me consider to be "child-bearing age," these paranoid thoughts creep into my head.  i so rarely have sex that when i do, if my cycle is even slightly off, thinking of the sort of luck i have, oh good mary, mother of god, the horror.  oh the horror.


i just let myself suffer through my menstrual pains all day today until i couldn't stand it anymore just to feel it. YES.  THIS IS WHAT NOT BEING PREGNANT FEELS LIKE.  AND I LOVE IT.

dance in my blood indeed, rumi... indeed.

here's a fun bit.

i have been taking belly dance classes on a regular basis for a little over a year now, and the inevitable is drawing neigh.  i have to start performing.  my tribal fusion teacher announced that there may be a late spring hafla in the works, and that i may do a solo in it.  my classical egyptian raqs sharqi instructor is hosting a spring hafla in a little over 2 months, in which i will be performing in two group pieces.

i've already performed once, and was reminded of my tendency to have horrible nervous fits leading up to the first measure of song i'm dancing to.  the truth is, my hands and my thighs never stop trembling the entire time, and i continue to feel nauseous until i'm finished, and i hear applause.  at which point, the nausea becomes a tingling sensation that travels up my back to the base of my skull, and i start blushing.

in spite of my terror, there's also a part of me (the leo part) that just loves the attention, loves to be admired by an entire room of people(give or take a few), and loves being in my costume and makeup on stage.


ooooh the costumes.  that's the whole reason i started writing this post.  i'm extremely excited about the costumes right now.  i'm planning on making most of my costume components myself, as most costumes, especially in the classical egyptian style, cost upwards from $300 for a cheap one and as much as $800 for a nice design.  that is so far out of my budget that my jaw hangs when i think about it.  so i've decided that since i have the ability, and know how to do it, i'll make my own.

for the egyptian hafla, i'm thinking a red costume will look best.  the stage we're performing on is huge, and it's in a real theater... i'm getting butterflies just thinking about it.  the red costume will help me feel more confident i think, plus it will look good with my black hair and fair skin (i think i'm the fairest one in the bunch).  and i really love the more modern, asymmetrical costume pieces... so i'm going to try my hands at making a bedlah (bra and belt set) in that style.

something to the effect of the below is what i'll be shooting for:

of course, if i find myself ready to claw my eyes out after toiling on an asymmetrical bedlah... i may do something simpler, like this:

good lord the idea of shimmying in these skimpy egyptian costumes just seems so vampish to me. i'm so used to tribal fusion costuming... being more of an earth mother gypsy type than a glittery sparkly tart.

alas, i have to play the tart role... at least for a while, as i'm learning the authentic egyptian form of the dance.  i can have my tribal fusion fun later on in the spring.

i just love how avante garde i can be with tribal.  there aren't too many rules about costuming.  people do all kinds of different stuff.  i actually found a really interesting recording of rachmaninoff's vocalise played on a theramin, and i think my tribal solo will be to that.  it's so quirky sounding.  i love it.

expect some photo blogging in the future as i chart my progress with these projects.

love and love.          

art crush.

this guy contacted me on myspace years ago to network for possibly collaborating on a video project one day.  then i randomly met him when i was last in portland, maine.  he is a tattooist, artist, genius.  i have biggest art crush on his work.  his aesthetic is loverly and someday i will get a tattoo from him.  he will probably require an entire leg to work on because he doesn't like doing small pieces... which is very exciting.

ladies and gentlemen, watson atkinson.

i have to admit...

mark linkous' passing has me feeling rather sad.

i haven't listened to sparklehorse in a long time.  i'm going to have to revisit them.

the very last thing before i go...

...thank you, sister.  i am lucky to have you.

Dance when you're broken open.
Dance if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood. 
Dance when you're perfectly free.

-Rumi

...just because you've forgotten doesn't mean you're forgiven...

paranoia

there is a voice inside my head, speaking to me from somewhere around my right ear.

it tells me little things throughout the day and i can't always discern whether or not these things are true.

i listen anyway.


yes, i am a voyeur. 

but i don't want to be watched.

and yet here i am, making my presence known.


the internet is weird and big, but a small world at the same time. 


ayyyy it makes me so nervous.

i know, i'll remove my name from that side bar... that will help.

i sing this song because i love the man...

today i found out that an old friend of mine died from a heroin overdose.  how many more people am i going to lose in such a meaningless way?

HAIL CAESER!!

i mean, we all know those romans were dirty, dirty, dirty... but here's more proof.

i am in love with this chick.

http://auriea.com/

there used to be this really awesome website called entropy8, which she was responsible for creating.  it pretty much was the original for dark aesthetics in organic web design, if you ask me.  the site is now for a video game she helped make, called tale of tales.  i've yet to play it.  don't know much about it at all.

anyway, her web design has kind of been an influence on me as a videographer.  i sent her a fan mail type of message on facebook today.  i hope she doesn't think that's creepy.  i just really think it would be awesome to collaborate on something with her in the future.

here's something else she worked on... a collaboration with another designer, zuper...

<----(from the entropy8 flikr stream)

word of the day

LIAR

"i've mesmerized you"

i am kneeling on the floor in a dark room.  you're there with me.  you take me by my hand and pull me into you and say the words "i've mesmerized you"... i tell you i had something to do with this too, and you smile down at me.

who are you and why are you coming in my dreams.

this kind of blew my mind... thank you stumbleupon.

bear with me.

i'm incredibly frustrated over my blog layout.  expect an overhaul in appearance coming soon.

meanwhile, the refurbished digital camera i purchased from ebay is acting as if it's about to stop working.  i haven't even had a chance to purchase a memory card for it.  i've tried several different batteries from my battery collection, close to none of them seem to give the camera enough power to turn on.  the ones that do have enough power to get the camera turned on show up on the screen has having only a bar left, just before the camera turns itself off again.

i am seriously annoyed.  i was looking forward to using that camera this spring.

it is a tough row to hoe.

in my heart of hearts, i long for a companion who is growing with me... stand up, god dammit.  get out of bed and rub the crust of years of illusion from your eyes.  wake up and stand next to me.