love is fire.

and i am burning.
i hate feeling like this.
it's killing me.
i am crushed beneath the weight of my past, and i am engulfed in flames.  i just want to fly off!
god damn it, i do not want this!
how can i stop it?
i've let go of the story of you and me, and yet i still burn....

"Though I visit him
              Ceaselessly
              In my dreams,
            The sum of all those meetings
            Is less than a single waking glimpse."

-Ono no Kamachi

this is me.

i am going to throw up.

there is a giant ball of confusion in my entire being right now and it makes me want to throw up chunks of soul bits.  i am doing a side-step walk between two polarities in my heart and soul parts.  does.  not.  like.  does.  not.  want.  but simultaneously likes and wants so much it makes a giant swelling thing happen in me.  i am caught up in a whirlwind of strong feelings.  it has swept me up suddenly and with little mercy.  now my head is spinning and i am upside-down and forced to take a good hard look at myself on the inside and FUCK ME.  i do not like it.  i am going to keep telling myself that this exercise in non-attachment is the whole point of what i'm going through.  this.  is.  healthy.  this is what being healthy feels like.  awareness is a bitch.  now show yourself some god-damn compassion, woman.  because no amount of compassion from anyone else is going to make you stronger.

get out of the narrative.

he's only a mirror.

heartache, my old friend.

one would think that after years of heartache, that someone could perhaps become... accustomed to it.  like if heartache were a human, you'd just get used to them stopping by to small talk or ask for a cup of sugar.

not so, it seems.  it takes a different shape each time, always catching you by surprise, and lurking in areas you're not expecting to have a run-in.  sometimes it hides around the corner with a two by four, waiting to strike you over the head while you're walking down the street deep in thought.

and it's funny how it just makes you feel like an idiot when it happens.  like you should have been paying attention instead of staring up at those clouds and wondering wondering wondering, with your soul all full of meaning and smiles and butterflies and pretty eyes.

oh, and when it hits you, and you realize what happened... oh, it just puts a shakiness in you like none other.  it's so bittersweet, the shake.  it often comes from having such a beautiful feeling... and suddenly seeing the opposite side of the coin.

all is not as it seems, little girl.  don't be such a fool.

i have a rather great responsibility lying ahead of me this weekend, with the full moon, the lunar eclipse, the grand cross, the grand trine... i have to cut the cords from someone who needs my help.  cutting old cords from past lives for an old friend from thousands of years ago.

i've spent time looking up and wondering wondering wondering what it all means, the old friend... this is the eighth time we've met.  and it is the last, i've learned.  this is our last time.  today, heartache struck me with the thought that perhaps dissolving these cords is the meaning.  like all the wondering wondering wondering about what it is, and the heart-rending truth is that the meaning is: cut the cords.

is that what this is?  heartache has a funny way of whispering information into your soul and leaving you to mull it over in your paranoid state.

oh, it hurts, dear one.  the thought that by cutting the cords and freeing you from that well i saw your soul bound up in being the end.  oh, it hurts me.  it doesn't change the fact that i have to do it.  those old cords are making you sick in the soul.  i can't bear to see it.  i have to free you from it.

but... oh... it hurts so much.

hot and cold

there is something about this time of year that i really don't like.  that thing happens to be going in and out of air-conditioned buildings, back and forth from hot to cold.  my body can't take it.  it makes me feel tired and sort of sick, and just uncomfortable in general.

similarly, it seems i am unable to stand back and forth from hot to cold when it comes to matters in the realm of emotions.  it is the same.  tired, sort of sick, just uncomfortable in general.

i am going to bed now.  because i have had quite enough tired, sort of sick, and uncomfortable for one day.  it is 8:44 p.m.

goodnight.

my heart can't take this...it's beautiful...it's beautiful and very painful...

"I would love to kiss you.
The price of kissing is your life.

Now my loving is running toward my life shouting,
What a bargain, let's buy it."

-Rumi 

you burn so fast it scares me.

the ghosts of what once was.

i look at our bed, then one you brought with you when you moved in and i want to set it on fire.  i want to stand and watch as it fills the room with smoke and let the smoke burn my eyes and my nostrils and my lungs while i mourn the death of what i thought we were.

this bed is full of the ghosts of what once was.  they grope me as i pray for sleep or death, or as i lay there, passed out drunk.  they follow me to the front door when i leave every morning touching my hair and the back of my neck.  i can hear them breathing.  it's almost like they're alive.

when is it going to stop?

can i has lolz?

yes, i can has.