kinda can't stop fancying myself as a mermaid.

march the 24th, 2010

WHY.

i did not need this.  just, please stop....

 

a grueling five days.

i hate hospitals.  especially the i.c.u.  the sound of machines and the smell of human excrement, the stale air, the thoughts of those around me... lying in the beds or fidgeting nervously in the waiting room.  i feel as though i float among them, not tied down to the ground.  i stand by his grandmother's bedside, wondering if she is really about to die, or if she'll pull through.  her breathing is so labored, and she mumbles words i can't make out, her tongue is swollen, her lips are bleeding.  there are tubes everywhere.  my husband is crying, my mother-in-law is staring and saying occasionally, "i don't know."  i just stand by her bedside and stroke her hair.  it's all i can do.

three days like this, and now they've moved her to the hospice wing.  as though she were terminally ill.  and yet none of us know if she's about to die or not.  no one can say.  her breathing is still labored, she's still mumbling, but now she's trying to get out of bed, and trying to pull her i.v. out.  the nurses are frustrated with her, but she just wants to go home and have a scotch and a cigarette.  i know this because i know her thoughts.

really, i think she's decided not to die.  even though she told me she wants to.  i think she senses that her daughter and grandson are not prepared for this, and has decided to stay a while longer.  shocking, i know. she's 97 years old now.

i'm so drained.

meanwhile, someone at the office has been bringing germs into work with him, and between that and all the other germs i've been exposed to at the hospital, i'm getting sick again.  my left tonsil feels as though i've been stabbed.  i left work after 45 minutes this morning, having started feeling worse and worse the longer i was awake.  i started shaking.  i had to leave.  i struggled to keep upright and not faint behind the wheel the entire drive home.  i crawled back into bed and slept for 7 hours.  i've been awake for about 3 hours now and am almost ready to go lay back down again.  i can't stand it.  i'm exhausted.

god save the queen.

today.

ace of wands today

new beginnings in creativity, enthusiasm, adventure, courage, and personal power. i daresay this is an auspicious visitor for my new moon....happy.

an addendum.

i had a black bear visit me in my dreams last night.  bears are a symbol of power, and i have been feeling powerless.  so i am rephrasing my intention:

I AM CUTTING THROUGH MY ILLUSIONS OF BEING POWERLESS.

cutting through.

day and night medicine messengers have been visiting this week.  so i've been keeping aware, looking for clues for my pisces new moon work.

last nights dreaming was of knives.  i was being accused of melting down knives and using the steel for something else.  i was trying to hide a bundle of knives, i wrapped them up in a cloth and shoved them into a drawer as my accuser entered the room.

it makes sense that i would then draw the ace of swords today.  even stranger still that i would come across this particular card when reading up on ace of swords and what it represents.  a sword piercing a little crab.  me, being a cancer, the crab.  the synchronicity is just so blunt this time.

of course, i obviously have something i need to cut through.

since pisces rules illusion, along with dreaming, I AM CUTTING THROUGH MY ILLUSIONS on this new moon.

the king

in spite of the tremendous amounts of pain he has caused me, i love him still.  my king of cups.

i am lucky to have one who feels so deeply.  so many of the others were little more than jagged rocks underneath their skin.

i pray he remains in control.

this reality is not easy for a soul like his.

strike while the iron is hot.

today is a whirlwind, and of course i've drawn the eight of wands.
my dreaming last night was frantic.  chasing a man through a parking lot in the snow, while the police were chasing me.  i had some sort of message to give the man but he would not slow down enough for me to catch him.  my feet were sinking into the snow and i was slipping as i ran.  my voice was catching in my throat.  i feel like i was trying to tell him something about his children.  what it was i don't know.

i woke up late and in a frantic rush to leave for work... struggling to snap out of my dream state has been difficult this week.  the dark moon is moving into pisces new moon this weekend and of course this means we're going into the realm of neptune, king of the seas of the subconscious and emotional body.  for me this means the line between waking dream and nights dream will blur.  so of course i struggle to wake up.  rushing about attempting to resume daily life and looking at every object wondering...

"am i dreaming this?"

i shake my head in attempt to rattle myself awake.  really, that never works.  in fact, my entire drive into work this morning was a haze.  nothing seemed normal until had my morning coffee.

tomorrow i can sleep in, for that i am grateful.  it will be nice to ease myself awake, and have a full night of dreaming.

the moon is new on monday, so on sunday night i'll be going to the mounds at cahokia for a bit of meditation as the sun sets.  monk's mound is a beautiful spot for watching the sun, be it rising or setting.  i'll set my monthly intention at that time.  of course, since we're going into pisces, it will have to be some intention related to dreaming.  last year it was: "i am in the depths of my dreaming, remembering who i am"... i'm not sure what i'll set for my intention this year.  i have a couple days to figure it out.  i do hope the weather clears up, we're having lots of clouds and rain today.

speaking of dreaming, i'm off for a well-deserved nap.  this has been a long week.

one last thing, before i say goodnight:

never, oh never, nothing will die...

♥
sweet lullies.

clean

i just know that i like what is starting to 
show...sometimes.


he's getting there.