"I would love to kiss you.
The price of kissing is your life.

Now my loving is running toward my life shouting,
What a bargain, let's buy it."

-Rumi 

you burn so fast it scares me.

the ghosts of what once was.

i look at our bed, then one you brought with you when you moved in and i want to set it on fire.  i want to stand and watch as it fills the room with smoke and let the smoke burn my eyes and my nostrils and my lungs while i mourn the death of what i thought we were.

this bed is full of the ghosts of what once was.  they grope me as i pray for sleep or death, or as i lay there, passed out drunk.  they follow me to the front door when i leave every morning touching my hair and the back of my neck.  i can hear them breathing.  it's almost like they're alive.

when is it going to stop?

can i has lolz?

yes, i can has.

destined to be the fool.

"I read the Four of Pentacles as practicality, security in material things, conservatism. I mean, being careful is certainly a part of it... but I'd just read it as a part, personally.  So if you were making a comparison between it and the Fool, I'd say that if the Fool was the outcome, you are standing on the precipice of a fantastic new world of possibility, but to remember to be mindful of concrete reality, and not to spend too much time writing narratives in your head about how things are."

did you hear that head and heart parts?  well?  did ya?

shut.  the fuck.  up. 

it could be sweet.

this via my friend, the scrybe:

(i wouldn't mind this.  at all.)

i can't escape it.

my dreaming is back, and of course, he's back too.  the sun.  i've tried so hard to stop my dreaming, and quite successfully.  my internal agony has been so intense that i just haven't felt like looking at what's going on in my psyche.  plus the fact that he is almost always there with me now, in the night dreaming, and seeing him so often out in my waking dream, it just confuses me.  i can't feel comfortable with it.  i feel far too intense to be comfortable with it.  and yet being around him feels totally safe, and totally natural.  although my insecurities are, as usual, very apparent to me.  the little demon trolls that like to taunt me and tell me things that make me feel bad about myself are hard at work.

it's difficult to navigate through a life where everything is perceived through feelings and form and not through intellect.

"one wants to be loved, in lack thereof admired, in lack thereof feared, in lack thereof loathed and despised. one wants to instill some sort of emotion in people. the soul trembles before emptiness and desires contact at any price." -hjalmar söderberg

 

 

oh darling.

i must be going crazy.
temperance, temperance, temperance.
i have to keep telling myself:  temperance.
it was in the cards.
be calm.
it's all in the cards.
and for right now, temperance.

he'll be the knight of cups further on down the line.

just... be calm.

one week later.

last thursday my husband and i separated.  he left, i stayed at the apartment.  it has been the week of the tower.  everything has come undone.  the sun has come and with its light everything that was hidden is now illuminated.  i have realized that i have been living in complete illusion.  it is almost unbearable, this transition.  but it is what i had to do.  i had the epiphany, it struck me... it's okay to end this.  for your sanity, and the health of your soul, you should do it.  and it's okay.

of course, the finger points in my face.  i'm a bitch, i'm cruel, i never loved him, i'm not even his friend.  but none of these things are true.  i hope the storm settles soon.  in the mean time, i am burning.  everything i have been in the past five years is burning away, and i am at the center of the fire, self-gestating.  waiting to emerge reborn. 

bondage.

please just kill me.

life REALLY has a way of pointing and laughing at me.  PLEASE.  just kill me.

i am being reminded now of how quickly something can turn sour and how utterly confusing it is to be a human being with deep feelings.

i am learning that averaging 3 hours a sleep a night for more than a week will lead one into uncomfortable fits of insecurity that lead to crying.

i am chopping up cucumbers for tiny sandwiches for a picnic in the park and crying.
my eye won't stop twitching.
please just kill me.
i don't want to be here anymore.

unable to forgive...and we're sinking deeper

nights like this feel like dying.  i can't watch you be like this.  why do i keep watching.  what am i doing with you.  too afraid to leave.  too afraid to stay.  i'm stuck between the two.  it's like that dream i had with the knife sinking down to the bottom of the sea.  i'm reaching for the knife, but i'm letting it slip away.  i'm too afraid to sink down after it.  the water is clear, but i can't let go.  afraid to leave, afraid to stay.  i can't let go.

nights like this feel like dying.  how can i kiss a face i don't trust.  don't touch me.  i have no numbing agent of my own.  i feel everything.  fine.  go.  sleep.  sleep and sleep and sleep.  how can you sleep when i'm dying like this.   do we know each other?  i don't know if we do any more...  but i can't let go.

your mother called me a saint.  she says, "no take-backs."  i understand why now.  but i can't let go.  and it feels like dying.