there is no comparison.

oftentimes, i find myself doing this awesome thing where i compare myself to my peers... primarily what it is about my peers that i find "successful."  


for instance, i do this shamanic apprenticeship, right?  there are 3 other apprentices that i know of, and one former apprentice who recently 'graduated'(or whatever it is that happens when this apprenticeship is complete).  


anyway, i struggle a lot with my apprenticeship in that i wrestle with a regular meditation practice, i don't do a very good job of keeping my dream journal updated(yeah hi, that was what this blog was created for originally - almost a year ago.)... among other things i can't seem to astral project anymore, i have a hard time being disciplined in general when it comes to spirituality.  i guess that's my moon in aquarius... and my south node in aquarius... aquarius being the "rebel"... acting up.  and here's where it gets fun.  i've got this leo ascendant that makes me really competitive...i deep down really want to be the shining star.   so i find myself comparing my progress and who i am in essence to the other apprentices and their power and their abilities... they're all so... good at it.  and i feel JEALOUS.  (another leo thing)


meanwhile, my inner aquarian rebel is pitching a fit and wanting to fuck the system and not do the practices, not be disciplined in my abstinence from sexdrugsrocknrollgofuckyourselfdiediedie.  i do NOT understand why it has to be such a mindfuck for me to stay solid in this practice when i want it so badly and am always comparing myself to the other girls and how "GOOD" they are and feeling lousy like i can't make the fucking bar.  the shamanic apprentice bar.  who the fuck set that bar anyway... me?  


then i am reminded, suddenly, when i look out the window of my apartment and i see the giant holes that are being dug up by laclede gas company all around the front of my building... oh yeah.  this is like, karma.


like...


BIG ASS UNDERWORLD HOLE IN THE GROUND KARMA COMING TO GETCHA.


my north node(where i'm going) is in leo... my south node(where i came from) is in aquarius.  until my aquarian south node is healed i will continue to be something of an anarchist.  even in regards to something i believe to be true and sacred.  that's that... drug addict rebel from my most recent past life giving me trouble... until i go on another soul retrieval to reintegrate with her.  (i'm guessing the last time i journeyed and saw her that i just wasn't ready to bring her back because it would have been too intense.)


meanwhile my leo north node is making my soul yearn to be strong, whole, healthy, warm, compassionate, creative, a LEADER...


at any rate, i have no idea why i bother comparing myself to the others when their respective journeys are entirely different from mine - only similar in the shamanic theme.  there's just... no comparison.  and i realize that.  but i still do it anyway.  GAH.