i'm hopeless.

"Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one’s life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one’s side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps . . . perhaps . . . love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath."
— L.M. Montgomery (Anne of Avonlea)

9

"Vincent van Gogh cut off his ear. He wanted to send it to Marilyn Monroe, but he didn’t know how to go about it.
          He couldn’t afford to deliver it in person. They had no mutual friends. And were he to send it to her movie studio, a stout woman in a tweed suit would be certain to throw it away.
          Dare he trust it to Railway Express? To United Parcel Service? To Brink’s?
          Vincent van Gogh’s ear was his love. Unable to send it through normal channels, he went out into the wheat field and sent it by crow."

-Tom Robbins

"Extinguish my eyes, I'll go on seeing you.
Seal my ears, I'll go on hearing you.
And without feet I can make my way to you,
without a mouth I can swear your name.

Break off my arms, I'll take hold of you
with my heart as with a hand.
Stop my heart, and my brain will start to beat.
And if you consume my brain with fire,
I'll feel you burn in every drop of my blood."


-Rainer Maria Rilke

The Look

Strephon kissed me in the spring,
      Robin in the fall,
But Colin only looked at me
      And never kissed at all.

Strephon's kiss was lost in jest,
      Robin's lost in play,
But the kiss in Colin's eyes
      Haunts me night and day.

a nice bed time story.

love is fire.

and i am burning.
i hate feeling like this.
it's killing me.
i am crushed beneath the weight of my past, and i am engulfed in flames.  i just want to fly off!
god damn it, i do not want this!
how can i stop it?
i've let go of the story of you and me, and yet i still burn....

"Though I visit him
              Ceaselessly
              In my dreams,
            The sum of all those meetings
            Is less than a single waking glimpse."

-Ono no Kamachi

this is me.

i am going to throw up.

there is a giant ball of confusion in my entire being right now and it makes me want to throw up chunks of soul bits.  i am doing a side-step walk between two polarities in my heart and soul parts.  does.  not.  like.  does.  not.  want.  but simultaneously likes and wants so much it makes a giant swelling thing happen in me.  i am caught up in a whirlwind of strong feelings.  it has swept me up suddenly and with little mercy.  now my head is spinning and i am upside-down and forced to take a good hard look at myself on the inside and FUCK ME.  i do not like it.  i am going to keep telling myself that this exercise in non-attachment is the whole point of what i'm going through.  this.  is.  healthy.  this is what being healthy feels like.  awareness is a bitch.  now show yourself some god-damn compassion, woman.  because no amount of compassion from anyone else is going to make you stronger.

get out of the narrative.

he's only a mirror.

heartache, my old friend.

one would think that after years of heartache, that someone could perhaps become... accustomed to it.  like if heartache were a human, you'd just get used to them stopping by to small talk or ask for a cup of sugar.

not so, it seems.  it takes a different shape each time, always catching you by surprise, and lurking in areas you're not expecting to have a run-in.  sometimes it hides around the corner with a two by four, waiting to strike you over the head while you're walking down the street deep in thought.

and it's funny how it just makes you feel like an idiot when it happens.  like you should have been paying attention instead of staring up at those clouds and wondering wondering wondering, with your soul all full of meaning and smiles and butterflies and pretty eyes.

oh, and when it hits you, and you realize what happened... oh, it just puts a shakiness in you like none other.  it's so bittersweet, the shake.  it often comes from having such a beautiful feeling... and suddenly seeing the opposite side of the coin.

all is not as it seems, little girl.  don't be such a fool.

i have a rather great responsibility lying ahead of me this weekend, with the full moon, the lunar eclipse, the grand cross, the grand trine... i have to cut the cords from someone who needs my help.  cutting old cords from past lives for an old friend from thousands of years ago.

i've spent time looking up and wondering wondering wondering what it all means, the old friend... this is the eighth time we've met.  and it is the last, i've learned.  this is our last time.  today, heartache struck me with the thought that perhaps dissolving these cords is the meaning.  like all the wondering wondering wondering about what it is, and the heart-rending truth is that the meaning is: cut the cords.

is that what this is?  heartache has a funny way of whispering information into your soul and leaving you to mull it over in your paranoid state.

oh, it hurts, dear one.  the thought that by cutting the cords and freeing you from that well i saw your soul bound up in being the end.  oh, it hurts me.  it doesn't change the fact that i have to do it.  those old cords are making you sick in the soul.  i can't bear to see it.  i have to free you from it.

but... oh... it hurts so much.

hot and cold

there is something about this time of year that i really don't like.  that thing happens to be going in and out of air-conditioned buildings, back and forth from hot to cold.  my body can't take it.  it makes me feel tired and sort of sick, and just uncomfortable in general.

similarly, it seems i am unable to stand back and forth from hot to cold when it comes to matters in the realm of emotions.  it is the same.  tired, sort of sick, just uncomfortable in general.

i am going to bed now.  because i have had quite enough tired, sort of sick, and uncomfortable for one day.  it is 8:44 p.m.

goodnight.

my heart can't take this...it's beautiful...it's beautiful and very painful...

"I would love to kiss you.
The price of kissing is your life.

Now my loving is running toward my life shouting,
What a bargain, let's buy it."

-Rumi 

you burn so fast it scares me.

the ghosts of what once was.

i look at our bed, then one you brought with you when you moved in and i want to set it on fire.  i want to stand and watch as it fills the room with smoke and let the smoke burn my eyes and my nostrils and my lungs while i mourn the death of what i thought we were.

this bed is full of the ghosts of what once was.  they grope me as i pray for sleep or death, or as i lay there, passed out drunk.  they follow me to the front door when i leave every morning touching my hair and the back of my neck.  i can hear them breathing.  it's almost like they're alive.

when is it going to stop?

can i has lolz?

yes, i can has.

destined to be the fool.

"I read the Four of Pentacles as practicality, security in material things, conservatism. I mean, being careful is certainly a part of it... but I'd just read it as a part, personally.  So if you were making a comparison between it and the Fool, I'd say that if the Fool was the outcome, you are standing on the precipice of a fantastic new world of possibility, but to remember to be mindful of concrete reality, and not to spend too much time writing narratives in your head about how things are."

did you hear that head and heart parts?  well?  did ya?

shut.  the fuck.  up. 

it could be sweet.

this via my friend, the scrybe:

(i wouldn't mind this.  at all.)

i can't escape it.

my dreaming is back, and of course, he's back too.  the sun.  i've tried so hard to stop my dreaming, and quite successfully.  my internal agony has been so intense that i just haven't felt like looking at what's going on in my psyche.  plus the fact that he is almost always there with me now, in the night dreaming, and seeing him so often out in my waking dream, it just confuses me.  i can't feel comfortable with it.  i feel far too intense to be comfortable with it.  and yet being around him feels totally safe, and totally natural.  although my insecurities are, as usual, very apparent to me.  the little demon trolls that like to taunt me and tell me things that make me feel bad about myself are hard at work.

it's difficult to navigate through a life where everything is perceived through feelings and form and not through intellect.

"one wants to be loved, in lack thereof admired, in lack thereof feared, in lack thereof loathed and despised. one wants to instill some sort of emotion in people. the soul trembles before emptiness and desires contact at any price." -hjalmar söderberg

 

 

oh darling.

i must be going crazy.
temperance, temperance, temperance.
i have to keep telling myself:  temperance.
it was in the cards.
be calm.
it's all in the cards.
and for right now, temperance.

he'll be the knight of cups further on down the line.

just... be calm.

one week later.

last thursday my husband and i separated.  he left, i stayed at the apartment.  it has been the week of the tower.  everything has come undone.  the sun has come and with its light everything that was hidden is now illuminated.  i have realized that i have been living in complete illusion.  it is almost unbearable, this transition.  but it is what i had to do.  i had the epiphany, it struck me... it's okay to end this.  for your sanity, and the health of your soul, you should do it.  and it's okay.

of course, the finger points in my face.  i'm a bitch, i'm cruel, i never loved him, i'm not even his friend.  but none of these things are true.  i hope the storm settles soon.  in the mean time, i am burning.  everything i have been in the past five years is burning away, and i am at the center of the fire, self-gestating.  waiting to emerge reborn. 

bondage.

please just kill me.

life REALLY has a way of pointing and laughing at me.  PLEASE.  just kill me.

i am being reminded now of how quickly something can turn sour and how utterly confusing it is to be a human being with deep feelings.

i am learning that averaging 3 hours a sleep a night for more than a week will lead one into uncomfortable fits of insecurity that lead to crying.

i am chopping up cucumbers for tiny sandwiches for a picnic in the park and crying.
my eye won't stop twitching.
please just kill me.
i don't want to be here anymore.

unable to forgive...and we're sinking deeper

nights like this feel like dying.  i can't watch you be like this.  why do i keep watching.  what am i doing with you.  too afraid to leave.  too afraid to stay.  i'm stuck between the two.  it's like that dream i had with the knife sinking down to the bottom of the sea.  i'm reaching for the knife, but i'm letting it slip away.  i'm too afraid to sink down after it.  the water is clear, but i can't let go.  afraid to leave, afraid to stay.  i can't let go.

nights like this feel like dying.  how can i kiss a face i don't trust.  don't touch me.  i have no numbing agent of my own.  i feel everything.  fine.  go.  sleep.  sleep and sleep and sleep.  how can you sleep when i'm dying like this.   do we know each other?  i don't know if we do any more...  but i can't let go.

your mother called me a saint.  she says, "no take-backs."  i understand why now.  but i can't let go.  and it feels like dying.

i am going crazy. i am sure of this. that is what is happening to me.

"when i am with you, we stay up all night.  when you're not here, i can't go to sleep.  praise god for those two insomnias!  and the difference between them."  -rumi

it was one of those types of days...

i spent 5 hours in the park with some good friends, and some of their friends.  i climbed a flowering tree, and chased bats after the sun went down.  i laid in the grass imagining that nothing else in the world existed but me and the ground and that tree above me.  it was an almost perfect afternoon.  certain elements were absent that may have made it more perfect.  but it was wonderful nonetheless.

how is this so.

the full moon was in the sign libra on monday.  i said to the moon, "i release my fear of being out of control."

after some discussion and deep thought, i rephrased it.  "i release control."

how can it be that such a slight change like that could terrify me so much?  i don't even think of myself as a control freak type of person.  and yet the idea of being out of control causes my heart to pump faster and my nerves to shiver.  but i said the words, and the moon listened.  now i wait for her wisdom, the sagacity that comes with the crone phase of the dark moon.

i should really focus on more meditation practice to help me through this.  i know a lot of my fears are a result of my relationship with him.  but, i have to let that go... somehow.  i can't be responsible for the choices he makes, as crazy as it makes me sometimes.  the moon influences the tides... she doesn't control them.  i need to be working on being more receptive and grounded.

yep, i'm a creeper.

every once in a while i skim the missed connections in craigslist.  the other personal ads on that site are almost entirely too foul for me, but i'll come across jewels in the missed connections that are perfectly ripe for my voyeuristic imagination to go running with.  i love wondering about these people and considering various scenarios.  i realize that makes me a creeper of sorts... but i've sat and watched and wondered about people for as long as i can remember.  it's really all very innocent daydreaming, i'm definitely not the sort to follow someone home and peep through their window, or climb up on their porch.   i can't help fantasizing about who these people are, what they do, what they smell like, where they were when the wrote what they wrote, what the room looked like, what time of day it was, whether or not they were sipping a coffee as they wrote it, what kind of shoes they're wearing, what books they might be reading, are they lovers, and on and on.

but there's a part of me that's actually a little afraid of this habit.  what if i became obsessed to the point of crossing boundaries?  i don't want to be that guy.

kinda can't stop fancying myself as a mermaid.

march the 24th, 2010

WHY.

i did not need this.  just, please stop....

 

a grueling five days.

i hate hospitals.  especially the i.c.u.  the sound of machines and the smell of human excrement, the stale air, the thoughts of those around me... lying in the beds or fidgeting nervously in the waiting room.  i feel as though i float among them, not tied down to the ground.  i stand by his grandmother's bedside, wondering if she is really about to die, or if she'll pull through.  her breathing is so labored, and she mumbles words i can't make out, her tongue is swollen, her lips are bleeding.  there are tubes everywhere.  my husband is crying, my mother-in-law is staring and saying occasionally, "i don't know."  i just stand by her bedside and stroke her hair.  it's all i can do.

three days like this, and now they've moved her to the hospice wing.  as though she were terminally ill.  and yet none of us know if she's about to die or not.  no one can say.  her breathing is still labored, she's still mumbling, but now she's trying to get out of bed, and trying to pull her i.v. out.  the nurses are frustrated with her, but she just wants to go home and have a scotch and a cigarette.  i know this because i know her thoughts.

really, i think she's decided not to die.  even though she told me she wants to.  i think she senses that her daughter and grandson are not prepared for this, and has decided to stay a while longer.  shocking, i know. she's 97 years old now.

i'm so drained.

meanwhile, someone at the office has been bringing germs into work with him, and between that and all the other germs i've been exposed to at the hospital, i'm getting sick again.  my left tonsil feels as though i've been stabbed.  i left work after 45 minutes this morning, having started feeling worse and worse the longer i was awake.  i started shaking.  i had to leave.  i struggled to keep upright and not faint behind the wheel the entire drive home.  i crawled back into bed and slept for 7 hours.  i've been awake for about 3 hours now and am almost ready to go lay back down again.  i can't stand it.  i'm exhausted.

god save the queen.

today.

ace of wands today

new beginnings in creativity, enthusiasm, adventure, courage, and personal power. i daresay this is an auspicious visitor for my new moon....happy.

an addendum.

i had a black bear visit me in my dreams last night.  bears are a symbol of power, and i have been feeling powerless.  so i am rephrasing my intention:

I AM CUTTING THROUGH MY ILLUSIONS OF BEING POWERLESS.

cutting through.

day and night medicine messengers have been visiting this week.  so i've been keeping aware, looking for clues for my pisces new moon work.

last nights dreaming was of knives.  i was being accused of melting down knives and using the steel for something else.  i was trying to hide a bundle of knives, i wrapped them up in a cloth and shoved them into a drawer as my accuser entered the room.

it makes sense that i would then draw the ace of swords today.  even stranger still that i would come across this particular card when reading up on ace of swords and what it represents.  a sword piercing a little crab.  me, being a cancer, the crab.  the synchronicity is just so blunt this time.

of course, i obviously have something i need to cut through.

since pisces rules illusion, along with dreaming, I AM CUTTING THROUGH MY ILLUSIONS on this new moon.

the king

in spite of the tremendous amounts of pain he has caused me, i love him still.  my king of cups.

i am lucky to have one who feels so deeply.  so many of the others were little more than jagged rocks underneath their skin.

i pray he remains in control.

this reality is not easy for a soul like his.

strike while the iron is hot.

today is a whirlwind, and of course i've drawn the eight of wands.
my dreaming last night was frantic.  chasing a man through a parking lot in the snow, while the police were chasing me.  i had some sort of message to give the man but he would not slow down enough for me to catch him.  my feet were sinking into the snow and i was slipping as i ran.  my voice was catching in my throat.  i feel like i was trying to tell him something about his children.  what it was i don't know.

i woke up late and in a frantic rush to leave for work... struggling to snap out of my dream state has been difficult this week.  the dark moon is moving into pisces new moon this weekend and of course this means we're going into the realm of neptune, king of the seas of the subconscious and emotional body.  for me this means the line between waking dream and nights dream will blur.  so of course i struggle to wake up.  rushing about attempting to resume daily life and looking at every object wondering...

"am i dreaming this?"

i shake my head in attempt to rattle myself awake.  really, that never works.  in fact, my entire drive into work this morning was a haze.  nothing seemed normal until had my morning coffee.

tomorrow i can sleep in, for that i am grateful.  it will be nice to ease myself awake, and have a full night of dreaming.

the moon is new on monday, so on sunday night i'll be going to the mounds at cahokia for a bit of meditation as the sun sets.  monk's mound is a beautiful spot for watching the sun, be it rising or setting.  i'll set my monthly intention at that time.  of course, since we're going into pisces, it will have to be some intention related to dreaming.  last year it was: "i am in the depths of my dreaming, remembering who i am"... i'm not sure what i'll set for my intention this year.  i have a couple days to figure it out.  i do hope the weather clears up, we're having lots of clouds and rain today.

speaking of dreaming, i'm off for a well-deserved nap.  this has been a long week.

one last thing, before i say goodnight:

never, oh never, nothing will die...

♥
sweet lullies.

clean

i just know that i like what is starting to 
show...sometimes.


he's getting there.

hermaphrodite chicken

this is just... awesome.  half male, half female anomalies in the animal kingdom.  i love it.

the red tide is in.

i can't say i have ever been so happy to see my own blood ever in my life.  i was beginning to have paranoid thoughts of a fetus growing in my womb...


that last night we had sex playing over and over again in my head, every word you said to me, rolling about, the look on your face, oh my god... was that the moment our first child was conceived? please say it isn't so...


thank heaven i was wrong.  the thought of conceiving life terrifies me.  i realize how selfish it may sound, but i am completely uninterested in bearing any fruit in the form of another human being.  there are so many reasons why i choose not to, but oh god... it's truly that i'm horrified by the thought of a creature developing inside of me.  a creature i would be responsible for birthing, raising, and eventually letting go of.  no.  i can't do that.  i have such a hard time just being responsible for myself... how could i possibly take care of a child?  an infant?!


when i was younger i fancied myself as barren.  i envisioned my womb as some sort of post-apocalyptic wasteland.  i still kind of do, but now that i am what people around me consider to be "child-bearing age," these paranoid thoughts creep into my head.  i so rarely have sex that when i do, if my cycle is even slightly off, thinking of the sort of luck i have, oh good mary, mother of god, the horror.  oh the horror.


i just let myself suffer through my menstrual pains all day today until i couldn't stand it anymore just to feel it. YES.  THIS IS WHAT NOT BEING PREGNANT FEELS LIKE.  AND I LOVE IT.

dance in my blood indeed, rumi... indeed.

here's a fun bit.

i have been taking belly dance classes on a regular basis for a little over a year now, and the inevitable is drawing neigh.  i have to start performing.  my tribal fusion teacher announced that there may be a late spring hafla in the works, and that i may do a solo in it.  my classical egyptian raqs sharqi instructor is hosting a spring hafla in a little over 2 months, in which i will be performing in two group pieces.

i've already performed once, and was reminded of my tendency to have horrible nervous fits leading up to the first measure of song i'm dancing to.  the truth is, my hands and my thighs never stop trembling the entire time, and i continue to feel nauseous until i'm finished, and i hear applause.  at which point, the nausea becomes a tingling sensation that travels up my back to the base of my skull, and i start blushing.

in spite of my terror, there's also a part of me (the leo part) that just loves the attention, loves to be admired by an entire room of people(give or take a few), and loves being in my costume and makeup on stage.


ooooh the costumes.  that's the whole reason i started writing this post.  i'm extremely excited about the costumes right now.  i'm planning on making most of my costume components myself, as most costumes, especially in the classical egyptian style, cost upwards from $300 for a cheap one and as much as $800 for a nice design.  that is so far out of my budget that my jaw hangs when i think about it.  so i've decided that since i have the ability, and know how to do it, i'll make my own.

for the egyptian hafla, i'm thinking a red costume will look best.  the stage we're performing on is huge, and it's in a real theater... i'm getting butterflies just thinking about it.  the red costume will help me feel more confident i think, plus it will look good with my black hair and fair skin (i think i'm the fairest one in the bunch).  and i really love the more modern, asymmetrical costume pieces... so i'm going to try my hands at making a bedlah (bra and belt set) in that style.

something to the effect of the below is what i'll be shooting for:

of course, if i find myself ready to claw my eyes out after toiling on an asymmetrical bedlah... i may do something simpler, like this:

good lord the idea of shimmying in these skimpy egyptian costumes just seems so vampish to me. i'm so used to tribal fusion costuming... being more of an earth mother gypsy type than a glittery sparkly tart.

alas, i have to play the tart role... at least for a while, as i'm learning the authentic egyptian form of the dance.  i can have my tribal fusion fun later on in the spring.

i just love how avante garde i can be with tribal.  there aren't too many rules about costuming.  people do all kinds of different stuff.  i actually found a really interesting recording of rachmaninoff's vocalise played on a theramin, and i think my tribal solo will be to that.  it's so quirky sounding.  i love it.

expect some photo blogging in the future as i chart my progress with these projects.

love and love.          

art crush.

this guy contacted me on myspace years ago to network for possibly collaborating on a video project one day.  then i randomly met him when i was last in portland, maine.  he is a tattooist, artist, genius.  i have biggest art crush on his work.  his aesthetic is loverly and someday i will get a tattoo from him.  he will probably require an entire leg to work on because he doesn't like doing small pieces... which is very exciting.

ladies and gentlemen, watson atkinson.

i have to admit...

mark linkous' passing has me feeling rather sad.

i haven't listened to sparklehorse in a long time.  i'm going to have to revisit them.

the very last thing before i go...

...thank you, sister.  i am lucky to have you.

Dance when you're broken open.
Dance if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood. 
Dance when you're perfectly free.

-Rumi

...just because you've forgotten doesn't mean you're forgiven...

paranoia

there is a voice inside my head, speaking to me from somewhere around my right ear.

it tells me little things throughout the day and i can't always discern whether or not these things are true.

i listen anyway.


yes, i am a voyeur. 

but i don't want to be watched.

and yet here i am, making my presence known.


the internet is weird and big, but a small world at the same time. 


ayyyy it makes me so nervous.

i know, i'll remove my name from that side bar... that will help.

i sing this song because i love the man...

today i found out that an old friend of mine died from a heroin overdose.  how many more people am i going to lose in such a meaningless way?

HAIL CAESER!!

i mean, we all know those romans were dirty, dirty, dirty... but here's more proof.

i am in love with this chick.

http://auriea.com/

there used to be this really awesome website called entropy8, which she was responsible for creating.  it pretty much was the original for dark aesthetics in organic web design, if you ask me.  the site is now for a video game she helped make, called tale of tales.  i've yet to play it.  don't know much about it at all.

anyway, her web design has kind of been an influence on me as a videographer.  i sent her a fan mail type of message on facebook today.  i hope she doesn't think that's creepy.  i just really think it would be awesome to collaborate on something with her in the future.

here's something else she worked on... a collaboration with another designer, zuper...

<----(from the entropy8 flikr stream)

word of the day

LIAR

"i've mesmerized you"

i am kneeling on the floor in a dark room.  you're there with me.  you take me by my hand and pull me into you and say the words "i've mesmerized you"... i tell you i had something to do with this too, and you smile down at me.

who are you and why are you coming in my dreams.

this kind of blew my mind... thank you stumbleupon.

bear with me.

i'm incredibly frustrated over my blog layout.  expect an overhaul in appearance coming soon.

meanwhile, the refurbished digital camera i purchased from ebay is acting as if it's about to stop working.  i haven't even had a chance to purchase a memory card for it.  i've tried several different batteries from my battery collection, close to none of them seem to give the camera enough power to turn on.  the ones that do have enough power to get the camera turned on show up on the screen has having only a bar left, just before the camera turns itself off again.

i am seriously annoyed.  i was looking forward to using that camera this spring.

it is a tough row to hoe.

in my heart of hearts, i long for a companion who is growing with me... stand up, god dammit.  get out of bed and rub the crust of years of illusion from your eyes.  wake up and stand next to me.

my teacher's interpretation of my hawk dream.

i am sitting on a foundation of my emotions, with an intimate known aspect of my inner self, surrounding my foundation of my emotion is an area that is abundant and good for me, and i see way to enter this. looking up i see two unknown aspects of my more radical self jump to my highest perspective in my mind. One of me is dressed to dissect the 'meat' of my issue and it requires a detached objective mind, the other part of me is where I grow and this part of me jumps down to a lower perspective that's closer to my understanding of my issue.

A spirit messenger of my nature self swoops down and lands in my thoughts with the nourishment I need and I dig into the meat of my issue and I look right at me. Then i look into my emotion and find a huge way to enter my feelings to cut into what is blocked. I am rusty at doing this, so i turn it over, and a very murky rendition of "the gathering of my higher self's actions in this world" is on the opposing side.

I look at my ability to cut through this situation and it looks more like a doorway... i have the ability to open this door but it's painful (knife). After seeing the higher aspects of myself as an image rather than action, i decide i shouldn't do it cut through my emotions, and I loose balance when I do this. 

My intimate inner self holds on to my actions in this world (r leg) to prevent me from going all the way into emotions, but my thoughts are submerged and I am watching the ability to cut through my emotional issue as it sinks deeper and deeper towards the bottom of the emotional issue. i can see everything under my emotions, it's extremely clear. part of me wants to sink into my emotion, but part of me is hanging on to my intimate self who is holding me up. it's like i'm pulled between the two.

and this is all i want. in a nutshell.

...maybe not from the sources you have poured yours....maybe not from the directions you are staring at...

this is me in my marriage in a nutshell.

...i'm a tree that grows hearts...one for each that you take...

this is me at work in a nutshell.

there is definitely definitely definitely no logic.....

red-tailed hawk has been hanging out lately....

 i dream i am sitting on a dock with my sister. surrounding the dock is an area that is a farmer's market, and i see the loading docks for all the stands at the market. looking up i see two skinheads jump on the roof of a warehouse, one is dressed in a butcher's apron and has no hair, the other has long bangs and jumps down to a lower roof that's closer to me. a red-tailed hawk swoops down and lands on the ledge of the roof with prey in its talons, it starts tearing up a piece of meat and looks right at me. then i look into the water and find a huge butcher knife. it's rusty. i turn it over, and a very murky rendition of "the last supper"(the painting) is on the other side. i look at the handle and it's made of wrought iron, it looks more like a doorknob...it's like holding a door knob, but the door is the blade. after seeing the painting, i decide i have to put it back in the water, and almost fall in when i do. my sister is grasping onto my right leg to prevent me from going all the way into the water, but my head is submerged and i'm watching the knife sink deeper and deeper towards the bottom of the ocean. i can see everything under the water, it's extremely clear. part of me wants to sink into the water, but part of me is attached to my sisters hand holding me up. it's like i'm pulled between the two. end of dreaming.

what the fuck.

i am just going to assume that the dream i had about you injecting heroin into your veins was a result of all the nyquil.

last night's dream

i was on stage, performing a burlesque act.  impromptu.  i wasn't scheduled to perform, no one even knew who i was, i just took the stage and did it.

there is no comparison.

oftentimes, i find myself doing this awesome thing where i compare myself to my peers... primarily what it is about my peers that i find "successful."  


for instance, i do this shamanic apprenticeship, right?  there are 3 other apprentices that i know of, and one former apprentice who recently 'graduated'(or whatever it is that happens when this apprenticeship is complete).  


anyway, i struggle a lot with my apprenticeship in that i wrestle with a regular meditation practice, i don't do a very good job of keeping my dream journal updated(yeah hi, that was what this blog was created for originally - almost a year ago.)... among other things i can't seem to astral project anymore, i have a hard time being disciplined in general when it comes to spirituality.  i guess that's my moon in aquarius... and my south node in aquarius... aquarius being the "rebel"... acting up.  and here's where it gets fun.  i've got this leo ascendant that makes me really competitive...i deep down really want to be the shining star.   so i find myself comparing my progress and who i am in essence to the other apprentices and their power and their abilities... they're all so... good at it.  and i feel JEALOUS.  (another leo thing)


meanwhile, my inner aquarian rebel is pitching a fit and wanting to fuck the system and not do the practices, not be disciplined in my abstinence from sexdrugsrocknrollgofuckyourselfdiediedie.  i do NOT understand why it has to be such a mindfuck for me to stay solid in this practice when i want it so badly and am always comparing myself to the other girls and how "GOOD" they are and feeling lousy like i can't make the fucking bar.  the shamanic apprentice bar.  who the fuck set that bar anyway... me?  


then i am reminded, suddenly, when i look out the window of my apartment and i see the giant holes that are being dug up by laclede gas company all around the front of my building... oh yeah.  this is like, karma.


like...


BIG ASS UNDERWORLD HOLE IN THE GROUND KARMA COMING TO GETCHA.


my north node(where i'm going) is in leo... my south node(where i came from) is in aquarius.  until my aquarian south node is healed i will continue to be something of an anarchist.  even in regards to something i believe to be true and sacred.  that's that... drug addict rebel from my most recent past life giving me trouble... until i go on another soul retrieval to reintegrate with her.  (i'm guessing the last time i journeyed and saw her that i just wasn't ready to bring her back because it would have been too intense.)


meanwhile my leo north node is making my soul yearn to be strong, whole, healthy, warm, compassionate, creative, a LEADER...


at any rate, i have no idea why i bother comparing myself to the others when their respective journeys are entirely different from mine - only similar in the shamanic theme.  there's just... no comparison.  and i realize that.  but i still do it anyway.  GAH.

so it goes.

it is very cold today.

my car broke down on south grand after i ducked into the falafel shop for a quick snack on my way home from work.  triple a arrived after an hour of me waiting in my car, in the cold.  the very nice triple a mechanic jump started my car and told me to let it run for 45 minutes to recharge the battery.

i followed his instructions to a t.

i stopped my car after letting it idle in the parking lot of my apartment building for 45 minutes.

and i attempted to restart it.

nothing.

looks like i need a new battery.  and it couldn't possibly feel colder outside to me right now.  i thought i was recovering from some kind of shitty cold but now it's drained into my chest and my throat is scratchy, and i can't stop coughing.  WHY WHY WHY does this have to be happening right now.  i just want to go to bed.

i'm totally taking a fucking cab into work tomorrow.  fuck.

truth

"i have been and still am a seeker, but i have ceased to question stars and books.  i have begun to listen to the teachings my blood whispers to me.  my story is not a pleasant one;  it is neither sweet nor harmonious, as invented stories are;  it has the taste of nonsense and chaos, of madness and dreams - like the lives of all [wo]men who stop deceiving themselves."

-Herman Hesse

i'm in love...

social media revolution

http://socialnomics.net/2009/08/11/statistics-show-social-media-is-bigger-than-you-think/